There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
