the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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