The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
