shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
