I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
