We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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