so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize