The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
