Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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