when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
