No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
