This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
