I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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