it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I supernannyed him into submission
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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