Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
