She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
