My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
