Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
