My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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