I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
