I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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