Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
