Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
