She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
