i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize