consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
