i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When did angry sex become our thing?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
