I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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