I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
