her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
