Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
