Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
