Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
