I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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