11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The maid of honor just puked.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
