I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
