I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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