I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
