I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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