If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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