I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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