we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
