then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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