just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
soo... how was my night?
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