A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
