I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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