You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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