Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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