i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
worst night to have a conscience
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
