I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
