he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
