So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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