I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
