I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
