Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
