I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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