There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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